I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
