yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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