he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
