You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
