If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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