I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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