Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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