i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
she looked like the before picture.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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