he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
