Sry I called you an 8
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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