we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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