We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
