Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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