He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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