My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
