You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
