apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
