This girl is more easily done than said...
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
