Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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