dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I touched a dick in church today
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
