Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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