I'm eating all of the evidence.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
