help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Randomize
