she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize