They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
