when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize