Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
