i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Drunk is a universal language darling
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