you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Randomize
