i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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