Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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