if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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