JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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