3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
sarcasm needs its own font
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
