My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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