Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
