Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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