I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
