the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
