girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
My feet surprised me
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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