goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
