nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
