remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
