I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize