You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Randomize
