And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
