Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
