why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
