How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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