I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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