He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
