I want to stick my p in your. b.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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