You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
