I cannot find my penis.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
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