I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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