Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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