I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
