Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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