Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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