So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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