I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
